One of the excuses that people give for divorce, or other marital issues is that of incompatibility. We often hear “We are not just compatible and the solution to that is to go our separate ways, hoping to meet others with whom we are more compatible”. Nothing can be farther from the truth. Marital compatibility is highly overrated. The truth is that you are not compatible with most people, and you’d never be.
Great marriages are not marriages between 2 compatible people. They are between 2 different people who decided to celebrate their differences and leverage their individual strengths to the advantage of their marriage. Great marriages happen between people who, though are incompatible, are happy in that.
If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary
The story is told of Billy and Ruth Graham’s marriage that lasted over half a decade. Their love story is one of the lasting love stories of our time, and a major reason his ministry succeeded where others failed. When asked about his secret of love, being married for several years to the same person, he said. “Ruth and I are happily Incompatible”. It is wonderful to know and accept that couples can be happy and grateful for their incompatibility, instead of angry and blaming for their unique differences. His wife, Ruth, said, “If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary”. That’s profound.
One of the most profound lessons we have learned in our own marriage over the years (almost 16 years now) is the 3 stages of managing each other’s differences
Stage 1: Rejecting Your Differences
It is often said that opposites attract – but that’s before marriage. After the knot is tied, opposite attacks! Sooner than later, the differences start to show up and if you are not careful, you start to resent how your spouse is doing some things or handling certain situations. “He is just too laid back”. “She is just too spontaneous”. The list becomes endless. The immediate reaction is to “reject” your spouse’s point of difference. Isn’t it arrogant to even think your own way is the better way? Think about that.
Stage 2: Tolerating Your Differences
Couples who will make it then progress to the 2nd stage. They do not attack their differences any longer. They just accept their spouses for “who they are”. They do not “agree” with their spouses’ differences. They feel they are wrong. But they learn to “live with it”. They tolerate that their spouse is laid back and will go the extra mile to cover a lot of ground on their own. They accept that their spouse is too spontaneous, and they set up mechanisms to balance this spontaneity. This way, they avoid a lot of conflicts. While this is not a bad place to be, there is a better place to look forward to.
But incompatibility does not have to result in disharmony. You can be happily incompatible when you learn to celebrate each other’s differences.
Stage 3: Celebrating Your Differences.
This is the stage when marriage becomes a lot of fun! The couples start to leverage their differences to make their marriage stronger. The discussion becomes “how can we leverage our point of differences to our advantage”. When we need to make fast and tough decisions (without a lot of emotions), we leverage my wife’s strength and she mostly takes the lead. When we need to mend fences and bring people into our circle, we leverage my empathy. What was a major difference that we both rejected has become one that we celebrate and leverage consciously now.
You have NOT married the wrong person. Yes, you married your opposite. You married someone who is completely different from you. You are technically incompatible. But incompatibility does not have to result in disharmony. You can be happily incompatible when you learn to celebrate each other’s differences.
Your marriage is fortified!